I Constantly Compare Myself To Other Women After My Husband’s Affair – Insights That Might Help

I often hear from wives who are having serious self esteem issues after their husband has an affair. Many no longer feel attractive, sexy, or self assured. Many admit that they constantly compare themselves to other women. Sometimes, this means comparing yourself to “the other woman” (meaning that you are comparing yourself to the woman that your husband cheated or had an affair with.) And some admit that any other woman is fair game. We can find ourselves looking at our friends and acquaintances and wondering if their husbands are faithful to them. And then we analyze our assumptions.

One wife recently put this into words wonderfully. She said, in part: “I find myself checking out, scrutinizing, and comparing myself to countless other women. I’ll check out the women at the PTA. I’ll stare at the mom in front of me in the check out line at the grocery store. I’ll spy on families eating at restaurants. And every time I do this, I wonder if the woman in question has a husband who has been faithful to her. I’ll find something about her appearance that I like or find superior to that same attribute as it relates to my own appearance. My PTA friend has prettier eyes than I. The woman in the gym has a much better figure. My child’s teacher is much more confident than me. My next door neighbor is much more outgoing. And the woman my husband cheated with is probably more exciting in the bedroom. I find myself doing this all of the time. And I never did this before my husband cheated on me. It’s as if I’m looking for my own flaws and seeking out strengths or positives in other people that I can no longer see in myself. What is wrong with me and how can I stop doing this?”

I will try to address these concerns in the following article.

It’s Most Common To Compare Yourself To The Woman That Your Husband Cheated With, But Know That These Comparisons Often Aren’t Accurate: Probably the most common comparison in this situation is comparing yourself to “the other woman.” Many women will find out every thing possible about her. This can very quickly become an unhealthy obsession. It’s as if we feel that this woman holds all of the answers for us. If we can figure out what our husband sees in her or what she offers him, then we can figure out what we don’t have and respond accordingly.

But here’s just some problems with this logic. Very often, as hard as it may be for us to believe at the time, it isn’t this woman’s looks, personality, or sexual skill that makes our husband cheat with her. I know that some will disagree and debate this with me. But I have men that comment or contact me on my blog and it’s pretty clear that many of them cheat during times of crisis, self doubt, or low self esteem. So an affair or cheating often has more to do with the attributes of the man who cheated than with the woman who he cheated with.

There’s a common perception that the other woman has some magical attributes or that the husband has finally found the perfect woman for him or his “soul mate.” I don’t buy this for a second. And many men who have the time and distance to think about this agree with me. Often once the affair has been over for some time, you’ll hear comments like “When I look at her now I don’t know what in the world I saw in her.” Or “I feel so stupid when I think back on it now.”

So when a wife goes looking to this other woman for answers, what she often doesn’t realize is that, if there are really any “answers” to be had, she’ll often find these with your husband rather than with the other woman. It’s often something missing or lacking within him rather than something that the other woman had or possessed. Sure, the other woman might be younger. She might even be pretty. But this isn’t often the underlying reason for the cheating. And she has nothing whatsoever to do with you. Her appearance, personality, or accomplishments should eventually be completely separate from the way that you see yourself. Sometimes, recovery from an affair means completely eliminating her from your mind and from your life so that you can focus on your own recovery and on yourself. She truly is a third party and should remain so.

Comparing Yourself To Other Women Who Have Nothing To Do With Your Husband’s Affair: I often hear from women who make every attempt to avoid thinking about the other woman but who then find themselves comparing themselves to female friends, acquaintances, or even family members. This can be very frustrating when, intellectually, you know that this doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. Women in recovery sometimes tell me that they feel envy or jealousy toward women who seem to have faithful and loving husbands.

I hear women say that suddenly they envy the mousy neighbor whose husband rushes home from work. Or they’ll focus on the couple at church who seems to be dedicated only on each other. You’re wondering what these marriages have that yours didn’t or what these wives posses that ensures their husbands remain faithful to them. I understand this. I did this myself. But here’s the thing. As we all know, appearances can be deceiving. None of us really know what truly goes on behind closed doors. The couple who appear so in love today could well be dealing with infidelity tomorrow.

The truth is, we aren’t going to learn why our husband cheated from other couples, other people, or even other women. We are only going to get at least some of those answers from our husband and from ourselves. Plus, other people’s attributes don’t diminish our own. I know that it’s difficult right now, but remember that you are just as special and valuable as anyone else.

Remember That Someone Else’s Actions Doesn’t Affect Your Worth Or Value As A Woman. You Are Beyond Compare: It’s very common for women to take a huge blow to their own self worth after their husband cheats. This is in no way their fault. But, you have to fight this process. Because although you may not feel like it, you’re still the same woman who turned your husband’s head or who felt good when she looked at herself in the mirror in the not too distant past. You did not change because of your husband’s affair – at least physically. Yes, this may temporarily change the way you feel about him, your marriage, or yourself. But please remember that you didn’t do anything wrong. Someone else’s actions shouldn’t change the way that you feel about yourself.

Your being an individual who is special and beyond comparison is not dependent on the attributes that other women have or lack. And right now, your healing is probably going to come when you place your focus on yourself rather than on others. I know that this is difficult, but if you make a concentrated effort to watch your focus, stopping this process is eventually possible.

Source by Katie Lersch

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How Can I Lose Weight? Emotional Eating

If you are like me, an emotional eater, you eat for reasons other than hunger. Does this sound familiar to you? At night when I sit and watch TV, I think about eating ice cream. I visualize all the good chocolate swirl and nuts included in each bite. Before long I look at the clock and realize that the store will soon be closed and before I know it, I’m in line purchasing one or two half gallons of my favorite ice cream.

What happened to me? What can I do about it?

Emotional eating has been described as eating to satisfy emotional feelings rather than physical hunger. What we are doing is feeding a feeling, usually a negative one. Ever hear of the term “comfort food” (sweets or junk food)? We are trying to make ourselves feel better by eating an enjoyable treat. The good feeling only lasts for a short period of time. Then we will feel guilty and become upset with ourselves. Depression sets in generating an even more negative feeling and mood.

Emotional eating creates a vicious circle, eating to satisfy a feeling, generating short term enjoyment, then guilt, creating more negative feelings and then more eating to feed that feeling. As I know, this cycle leads to obesity and health problems. I am not going to hammer you with all the problems associated with obesity. Such as health problems, physical discomfort, lack of mobility, and the treatment by and acceptance of society. You, like me, experience it all day long, each and every day.

What I am going to do is tell you how I have come to deal with this problem. After being in so many weight loss programs, I have come to realize that my emotional eating usually has a trigger. Some of my triggers include: an anxious state of mind, dealing with a deadline, feeling sorry for myself or I am in an uncomfortable situation. Sometimes, it is a simple and positive trigger such as food nearby, smelling great and everybody eating and enjoying it.

How do I recognize emotional eating rather than physical hunger?

First – Emotional eating usually craves one type of food (ice cream for me) and only that food will satisfy the craving. Where as, if I was physically hungry, then any food choice will satisfy me.

Second – An emotional craving comes on quickly and needs to be satisfied now. Physical hunger gradually builds up, but I can delay my eating.

Third – If I am emotionally eating, I will eat and continue to eat beyond being full and stuffed. I do this, because I am trying to satisfy a feeling not hunger. On the other hand, when I am eating because I’m hungry, once I’m full, I stop eating.

Fourth – After I am finished with an emotional eating binge, I always feel guilty and make a promise to myself to do better. Of course I don’t keep that promise and I set myself up for another eating binge. To the contrary, if I have eaten because of hunger, then I don’t feel guilty and I’m satisfied with my meal.

Fifth – I have come to realize that some of my emotional eating is due to positive feelings such as celebrating with friends and co workers. In these situations, I usually over indulge food wise and find that socially drinking also becomes an unwanted source of calories. The good feelings generated by the celebration is enhanced by good food and drink. I have found that in these instances it is best to eat beforehand and enjoy the company of my friends and not the food and drink.

I use food as a distraction which keeps me from having to deal with an issue. It seems to me that my strongest cravings come when I am at my weakest emotionally.

There are many feelings that prompt emotional eating. These include: stress, anger, fear, boredom, sadness, loneliness, not belonging and not feeling good enough. What we must do is learn how to recognize these feelings and their triggers. The best method I know of is to keep a “Food Journal”.

The “Food Journal” should include the time we eat, what we eat, number of calories consumed and the reasons why we ate. This documentation process is a key component to our lifestyle change. We need to know our eating habits so that we can come to understand, recognize and control our emotional eating episodes.

What can we do about emotional eating?

First – Have an alternative to eating. Make a list of enjoyable self help pastimes such as listening to Weight Loss Clearing Audios, perform an EFT Session, or meditate with affirmations. You could do any physical activity such as a walking or any other exercise found in the “Calories Burned Chart” found at How Can I Lose Weight Challenge. You could call a friend, write in a blog or join a support group forum.

Second – Take away temptation by not having your cravings in the house. Make it difficult to go and get what you crave.

Third – Keep healthy food choices such as fruits and vegetables nearby. When those emotional eating binges come, recognize the situation and if you must eat, substitute a healthy choice instead of junk food.

Emotional eating can become harmful to our well being. If we are unable to control our eating, then seeking a Doctor’s counseling may be what is needed. Usually, documenting in our “Food Journal”, substituting an alternative activity and home food management will help to overcome our desire to eat emotionally.

Source by David Duane Wilson

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Top 10 Business Tips For Newbies

1. Love What You Do

It’s a good idea to select an area which you already have an interest in, for a number of reasons. You already have some knowledge and expertise in this area which is invaluable and you won’t necessarily be starting from scratch. If you chose an area which is already of interest to you it won’t necessarily feel like work, especially when the going gets tough. No matter which area you chose you will undoubtedly have rough patches, when this happens you are much more likely to persevere because you have an attachment, a vested interest and a passion. If you have no interest you’ll be much more likely to throw in the towel at the first sign of trouble.

2. Prepare a Business Plan

A business plan is not just something which you need to prepare to show to banks for a loan or to investors. A business plan is necessary and useful as it also serves as a guide to operate by. It’s a great way to set goals, measure progress and achievements and keeps you on track with spending. Keep yourself organised and create a folder on your computer where keep your business plan and other relevant documents that you’ll be using regularly, such as an invoice template or your sales documents.

3. Set Realistic Expectations

Don’t expect miracles over night. Searching the internet you’ll find thousands of people claiming to have generated millions over night with one scam or another. Genuine business ventures take time, care and persistent. There is no such thing as easy money or money for nothing, cliche but true, if it were that easy everyone would be doing it. Know that there will be obstacles and difficulties to overcome from the start.

4. Just Do It

The best way to gain knowledge and learn, is by doing. You can read all the books, take all the courses, study and research for years but until you take that first step you’ll never actually know. It’s like learning to drive, you have an instructor by your side in every single lesson with their safety pedals as a back up. You learn all the technicalities of driving but the real learning only starts when you venture out onto the road by yourself. Nothing and no one can prepare you for every eventuality. Research and educate yourself in your chosen field by all means but there will never be a right time to jump in. Even if you take a very small step into your venture, the sooner you get started the sooner you’ll be on your way.

5. Ask yourself Why

Work out why you want to go into business for yourself. You need to have a good list of all the why’s before you get started. This exercise can also be used as your goal indicator. If you’re looking to have more time for yourself for instance, your business venture could take up to a year if not more before you can get a little time for yourself and your family and if that is your main focus you may get disheartened as you begin to build your business, when you realise your free time is not only limited but you have a lot less of it. Starting a new business is not your typical 9-5, it’s more of a start when you wake, finish when your head hits the pillow. If you prepare yourself for this, it won’t be such a shock to the system.

6. Budget and Finance

Looking to set up a business with very little start-up costs isn’t too difficult in this day and age especially on the internet. You may be looking at setting up an online business and the costs of a website are little and nothing but once you have your website, whether you’re selling products or providing a service you need to advertise and whilst your initial outlay may be minimal you have to be prepared to continue this for the life of your business. Will you require help to run things? Do you have marketing skills? Learning about marketing is going to be a fundamental part of your business growth, you can hire someone but if this puts a strain on your budget you may want to look into learning a few key tips yourself.

7. Building your Network

Networking is crucial in business whether online or in person. Every contact is either a potential customer, or may be someone who has advice or inspiration for you. You’ll be surprised by the amount of successful business owners and entrepreneurs who are ready to impart valuable advice and tips and can point you in the right direction for all sorts of services. There are a whole treasure trove of supportive business owners online, you can read blogs, ask questions in forums etc and its all for free.

8. Learning to Adapt

Ensure that you set a realistic budget for everything from your internet connection down to stock or billable hours. Every single penny counts. There’s no point in spending thousands on advertising if you’re not seeing a return, you may have to go back to the planning stages. This is all part of your learning, so test out strategies and don’t be afraid to adapt to the climate. There are all sorts of things that can impact a businesses growth and income and if your business is not responsive to the market or technology for instance this may cost you dearly.

9. Focus

It’s very easy to be side-tracked, there are so many ideas and new ventures out there, so focusing on the goals you first laid out in your business plan are crucial. Focus on one task at a time. You can always make notes for ideas and projects you’d like to take up in the future but remain focused, otherwise you may fall foul of procrastination, looking at lots of different ideas and at the end of the day find you haven’t achieved anything or actually done any work.

10. Believe in yourself

Self-Belief goes a long way, this is not whimsical advice this is fact, if you don’t believe in yourself and your product or service then you cannot expect anyone else to. It may seem difficult especially when starting out but you have to learn to believe in yourself, this will impact every aspect of your business, from creating your Business plan right down to networking. If you don’t believe what you’re doing this will show in everything you do.

If you believe it, you can Achieve it!

Good Luck!

Source by Cleo Whittingham

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Love – The Nine Stages of the Love Cycle in Relationships

Isn’t love wonderful? Isn’t love terrible?

Isn’t it terrible how cyclical the Quest for wonderful love seems to be for you?

Let me see if I can quickly point to some compelling evidence that might, just maybe, sway your thinking and open your mind to an approach that might, just maybe, be better than all the ones you have been using all these years in your own Quest for Love.

Firstly, how many times, so far, have you been in love – or thought you were?

Think back to ALL your past relationships – not just your last, or current, one. Remember all of their names since the first one? OK, how about just the ones you’ve had sex with?

Based on my several million web site visitors, my own 10,000 Heroine applications and my tens of thousands of interviews with others about relationships, along with some other, VERY non-scientific personal experiences, I’ve concluded that there are NINE Stages in all of our quests for love – nine stages that we all go through – time after time.

You. Me. Them. All of us.

Some Stages really are magnificently wonderful. Some really are downright terrible.

What was the average length of time you enjoyed the fantastic, incredible Stage Of Love that made the Quest worthwhile after all? What was the average amount of time you were left on the stage, falling out of love? How much time was spent on looking for love once again?

One of the regrettable parts of the whole process is how often we all seem to cycle between all the different Stages of Love – along with the consequential waste of time, energy and emotion.

How much of all three have you wasted, so far, in your own seemingly never-ending quest?

I know this may sound like an efficiency expert’s approach to love, but my goal is to help you minimize future time, energy and emotional waste and accelerate your success at finding your own flavor of Happily Ever After while maximizing your own Happily Here & Now.

You got to admit that is a formidable goal…but, even if a new approach was only 30% successful, might it be worth learning and incorporating into your own approach to the Quest? What if it was even more successful for you?

As you will see, I don’t consider all parts of all these cycles we go through to be a waste of time, energy and emotion. Just the opposite, as a matter of fact. Each one IS hopefully a learning and growing experience. However, you don’t want to end up having the same bad experiences more often than absolutely required.


Breathe deeply.

  1. Stage One – Love When the Quest can be wonderful…fantastic…incredible… consuming…
  2. Stage Two – Realization When the Quest can be…complacent…disappointing…distressing… fatalistic…
  3. Stage Three – Breakup When the Quest can be painful…hurtful…heartbreaking…devastating…
  4. Stage Four – Hiatus When the Quest can be numbing…depressing…draining…buried…
  5. Stage Five – Resignation When the Quest can be embittering…cynical…angry…lonely…
  6. Stage Six – Determination When the Quest can be fearful…tentative…suspicious…retreating…
  7. Stage Seven – Search When the Quest can be frustrating…exasperating…boring…pointless…
  8. Stage Eight – Flirtation When the Quest can be fun…active…distracting…seductive…
  9. Stage Nine – Infatuation When the Quest can be exciting…anticipating…hopeful…sizzling…

Right now, there are over 100 million single adults in the United States. Most of them, along with a LOT of married folks, are still looking for their own version of Happily Ever After – with varying degrees of luck. Virtually all of them are going through one of the Nine Stages Of Love Quest right now. My guess is that you are too.

Think you are different?

  • Can you see which Stage you are in right this minute? Which Stage were you in six months ago?
  • How many times have you cycled through each of these Stages? Can you remember all their names?
  • How many times will you cycle through all these Nine Stages during the next five years?

Here’s a hint for you: the parts of the cycle that are really worthwhile are those that help you obtain and savor and appreciate all the Happily Here & Now you can grab on your way to Happily Ever After. After all, one of the most important things I have learned, and one of the major points I hope you grow to believe and appreciate is that your Happily Ever After is made up of a series of day-in-day-out Happily Here & Nows.

Source by R L Goodman

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Is There Anything You Can Do About Timeshare Special Assessment Fees?

It happens every so often to timeshare owners. You’re taking a stroll to your friendly mail box with the sun beaming down wonderfully on your home; birds are out singing a happy tune. You open your mail box, reach in, and pull out a timeshare bill. “Same as every year,” you think. “Maybe a 2% increase. But nothing I can’t handle.” Then you notice a sizably larger tab. “What?” you fume. “How can they charge me that much a year for my timeshare?” Then you read on, and your heart fills with the dread of an oncoming car crash, and you see it: a special assessment fee.

The truth of the matter is that the timeshare industry is suffering, just like everyone else. Their extreme profits have lost a shine or two, and now they have to scrap barrels instead of throwing whole meals away. Unfortunately, you are that barrel they’re going to be scraping.

But let’s get to the question: is there anything you can do about these special assessments? The truth is, there is very little you can do besides pay the tab. Many resorts offer payment plans, and for those of you unwilling or unable to pay off the fee upfront, these plans are a good option. You will, of course, be paying interest. What matters with special assessments is whether or not they are needed. In some cases, the fee may be a simple $200 for an extra couch or fixture. In other cases, there are going to be Hurricane Assessments, which pay for hurricane damage and can run over a thousand dollars.

Not paying your special assessment will result in late fees and potentially a collections claim against you. For those of you who have already paid special assessments before and have just been hit again, a timeshare sale might be in your best interest unless you find such value in your timeshare that these extra fees and added expenses are worth the cost.

If your special assessment fees are no longer within your budget, you may want to start considering your timeshare relief options.

Source by Tracie Newcastle

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